After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
