Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Randomize
