If i come over, it means nothing
You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
