Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
