I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
