I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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