i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
