Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
