Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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