it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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