i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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