i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
