sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
