I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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