today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
her facebook's as public as her vagina
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
