my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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