I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
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