I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
The Olympian is in my bed
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
