I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
