the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
