I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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