you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
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