BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
