my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Randomize
