first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
