im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
