If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
