WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
