I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
