i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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