I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
