The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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