I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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