I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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