I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
