I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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