Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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