I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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