So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
