chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
