Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Randomize
