You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
