I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
