i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
