In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize