I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
