Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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