I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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