I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I have fence marks all over my body
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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