She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
