barbara walters just said penis...
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
