You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
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