she woke up with a sticky ear
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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