The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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