we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
