Your dad touched me again.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
