um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Sacagawea was the original milf.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Couch. On fire.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
