it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Naked Twister starts at high noon
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
