Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize