so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
